The biggest part of the effort will come from you. You have to want to help yourself. You have to want to move forward and not cling to the past so tightly.
This post will be getting a little personal because I’ll be talking about my own mental illness. This has been a hard one for me to start writing but I decided I’d do it today for you guys as I know some of you are going through the same thing.
I’m sort of normal. Ish. Well, what is normal defined as anyways? Okay, I admit it, I can be pretty damn crazy. Throughout my life, I’ve had trouble controlling my own emotions to the point where people would leave me behind because I was honestly just too much to deal with. Not too proud of that one but I can honestly say I have made improvements since. I’m not afraid to admit, I have had an immense struggle with my journey and I have come a lot further than I ever thought I could.
I have been running from this mental burden called “borderline personality” pretty much my whole life. I have visited professionals, I have had many conversations with them and they have helped in the best ways that they could but of course, these people are not miracle workers. The biggest part of the effort will come from you. You have to want to help yourself. You have to want to move forward and not cling to the past so tightly.
I was so scared that people would leave me, so scared that I would be alone and unloved for the rest of my life. For that reason, I did everything to keep those people in my life, even if that meant putting my own self aside.
Many people in my life did not understand what I was dealing with inside. I would cry from emotional pain and my dad’s response to me would be a cold “There’s nothing to cry about. Stop making a scene”. I wasn’t allowed to express the emotions I felt, even in my own personal space; I lived as a sad entity in my empty room filled with angst. As a teenager, I was “misunderstood”, as most teenagers are. I guess the people in my life at the time did not understand the full extent of the suffering I had been going through inside. I would just hide it all. I didn’t want anyone to see it because I was taught that showing weakness was wrong. It’s definitely okay to get help when you feel that you need it. Don’t even wait another second before making the next big change in your life, you will thank yourself years down the road.
I showed the signs from a young age of being “off”. I was the quiet kid, the one who was always afraid to say what was on my mind. I was so scared that people would leave me, so scared that I would be alone and unloved for the rest of my life. For that reason, I did everything to keep those people in my life, even if that meant putting my own self aside. I let these people walk all over me because I wanted to be loved. They could put me down, they’d make jokes at my expense and I’m now one to laugh at myself but those jokes were simply cruel. In addition to having some friends who I can barely even call friends, I dealt with bullying on the daily from elementary to the end of high school. I didn’t really have a home. At home, I felt like I was in prison and school, which was equally hellish, was the only other place I had been allowed to go to by myself. I had no escape and so, I spent my days playing video games on the computer, writing, creating and trying to flee this world.
I am now present in this moment, there is no need to blame, no need to criticize but it is good to remember what made you who you are today while still letting go of the bad feelings associated with these memories.
I wished I was dead nearly every single day. I would get home to a mother who had episodes in which she would scream through out the day at my alcoholic father. Of course, I wouldn’t be granted the permission to walk outside because it was “too dangerous” to do so alone. I could cry for hours in the middle of all of this but, they didn’t seem to even flinch. My mother would wake me up screaming in the middle of the night. No one really seemed to care. I would be missing sleep and I was falling asleep in class. Friends, teachers, parents and family were all seemingly absent during the time when I struggled the most. That is mostly on my part though as I never let anyone know what was going on within. My parents have made their mistakes and despite all of this, I forgive them and I love them, I really do. I know that they had been dealing with their own problems at the time. The best way to move on from something that has hurt you is to forgive the people in the situation. Even though I am speaking of my past, I hold no grudge and no bad feelings towards my past. I am now present in this moment, there is no need to blame, no need to criticize but it is good to remember what made you who you are today while still letting go of the bad feelings associated with these memories.
The only one who suffers from keeping in the hatred towards the people who have hurt you is yourself. You waste your precious energy hating those people while you could turn this energy into passion for life and show them that you’re worth the love that you did not receive from them. It’s okay to be hurt, to express sadness and anger towards a situation. Give yourself time to grow into acceptance because just like grief, there are stages to forgiveness as well. While we are not rushing the process to healing and recovery, we must remember that even though we feel hurt, we have the power to move forward. No matter how long it takes, you will get out of that hell, I promise.
The more I know myself, the more I accept my own emotions and the more I am aware of this present moment, the more I feel that I am among the living.
Another trait of borderline personality disorder is the constant change in emotion that we experience. I could go from happy to sad in the matter of a moment. It would only take one trigger that would get my anxious mind running in circles. I believed those negative thoughts as if every single one was real, I felt so out of control; I couldn’t help myself. They would haunt me, make me angry and I would get harsh towards the people I loved most because I did not know how else to deal with this display of emotions on my own. I never expected such happy days to end in so much pain. I’ve learned now that I must recognize these negative emotions that are there first and foremost, which is extremely hard to do. I’m slowly getting there. I am now able to catch my thoughts before they become action. I may still be impulsive deep-down in my core but I am able to distinguish right action from wrong action much more easily.
Now, the part that I usually would omit, I feel that it is needed to express the darkness I was once in. Well, I never actually wanted to put an end to my life, despite wishing for death every day and having suicidal thoughts. I did cut my wrists before and even put a knife against my throat. I never had the courage to go through with it fully, thankfully. There was still a part of me that believed life would get better but those moments when I felt deep sadness seemed to me as if the world was ending. I’m actually feeling an insane amount of relief right now while talking about this because I am no longer in this dark place. I may have my crazy moments to this day but I have to say, the occurrences have been reduced. The more I know myself, the more I accept my own emotions and the more I am aware of this present moment, the more I feel that I am among the living.
But, this night ended in happiness because I let myself cry and feel the sadness. I then let go of those thoughts because when I had cried enough, I realized that my fear of abandonment was unfounded.
Please don’t be afraid of expressing your emotions, they are part of you. You must let yourself feel to then conquer the negative that surrounds you. However, there are better ways to express our anger, if that’s one thing I’ve learned from this. Even so, you cannot be shut out from the world, let your voice be heard. It’s okay to have bad days. I had an emotional shift last night that inspired me to write this. It started out as a bad night where my anxious mind was running at full speed. But, this night ended in happiness because I let myself cry and feel the sadness that I had built up inside. I then let go of those thoughts because when I had cried enough, I realized that my fear of abandonment was unfounded. My logical side was not overtaken by my emotional mind this time. Everything felt balanced. It is so important to recognize your own emotions and to explore the reasons behind why this emotion was brought to surface. Experience gained from looking within will teach us to calm the emotional storms that we don’t always see coming from afar.
While, we can never have full control of our emotional states, we can find better ways to deal with these. In the end, this article doesn’t really include any tips on how you can accept your own emotions. It is mostly a lesson that no matter what emotions you are experiencing in this moment right now and no matter what life situation you are going through, there are better days ahead as long as you work every day towards improving yourself. Keep your belief in life strong and know that there’s a sunrise waiting for you across the this old worn-out bridge.
Have an amazing day.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. –Albert Einstein