Accepting our emotions

The biggest part of the effort will come from you. You have to want to help yourself. You have to want to move forward and not cling to the past so tightly.


This post will be getting a little personal because I’ll be talking about my own mental illness. This has been a hard one for me to start writing but I decided I’d do it today for you guys as I know some of you are going through the same thing.

I’m sort of normal. Ish. Well, what is normal defined as anyways? Okay, I admit it, I can be pretty damn crazy. Throughout my life, I’ve had trouble controlling my own emotions to the point where people would leave me behind because I was honestly just too much to deal with. Not too proud of that one but I can honestly say I have made improvements since. I’m not afraid to admit, I have had an immense struggle with my journey and I have come a lot further than I ever thought I could.

I have been running from this mental burden called “borderline personality” pretty much my whole life. I have visited professionals, I have had many conversations with them and they have helped in the best ways that they could but of course, these people are not miracle workers. The biggest part of the effort will come from you. You have to want to help yourself. You have to want to move forward and not cling to the past so tightly.

I was so scared that people would leave me, so scared that I would be alone and unloved for the rest of my life. For that reason, I did everything to keep those people in my life, even if that meant putting my own self aside.

Many people in my life did not understand what I was dealing with inside. I would cry from emotional pain and my dad’s response to me would be a cold “There’s nothing to cry about. Stop making a scene”. I wasn’t allowed to express the emotions I felt, even in my own personal space; I lived as a sad entity in my empty room filled with angst. As a teenager, I was “misunderstood”, as most teenagers are. I guess the people in my life at the time did not understand the full extent of the suffering I had been going through inside. I would just hide it all. I didn’t want anyone to see it because I was taught that showing weakness was wrong. It’s definitely okay to get help when you feel that you need it. Don’t even wait another second before making the next big change in your life, you will thank yourself years down the road.

I showed the signs from a young age of being “off”. I was the quiet kid, the one who was always afraid to say what was on my mind. I was so scared that people would leave me, so scared that I would be alone and unloved for the rest of my life. For that reason, I did everything to keep those people in my life, even if that meant putting my own self aside. I let these people walk all over me because I wanted to be loved. They could put me down, they’d make jokes at my expense and I’m now one to laugh at myself but those jokes were simply cruel. In addition to having some friends who I can barely even call friends, I dealt with bullying on the daily from elementary to the end of high school. I didn’t really have a home. At home, I felt like I was in prison and school, which was equally hellish, was the only other place I had been allowed to go to by myself. I had no escape and so, I spent my days playing video games on the computer, writing, creating and trying to flee this world.

I am now present in this moment, there is no need to blame, no need to criticize but it is good to remember what made you who you are today while still letting go of the bad feelings associated with these memories.

I wished I was dead nearly every single day. I would get home to a mother who had episodes in which she would scream through out the day at my alcoholic father. Of course, I wouldn’t be granted the permission to walk outside because it was “too dangerous” to do so alone. I could cry for hours in the middle of all of this but, they didn’t seem to even flinch. My mother would wake me up screaming in the middle of the night. No one really seemed to care. I would be missing sleep and I was falling asleep in class. Friends, teachers, parents and family were all seemingly absent during the time when I struggled the most. That is mostly on my part though as I never let anyone know what was going on within. My parents have made their mistakes and despite all of this, I forgive them and I love them, I really do. I know that they had been dealing with their own problems at the time. The best way to move on from something that has hurt you is to forgive the people in the situation. Even though I am speaking of my past, I hold no grudge and no bad feelings towards my past. I am now present in this moment, there is no need to blame, no need to criticize but it is good to remember what made you who you are today while still letting go of the bad feelings associated with these memories.

The only one who suffers from keeping in the hatred towards the people who have hurt you is yourself. You waste your precious energy hating those people while you could turn this energy into passion for life and show them that you’re worth the love that you did not receive from them. It’s okay to be hurt, to express sadness and anger towards a situation. Give yourself time to grow into acceptance because just like grief, there are stages to forgiveness as well. While we are not rushing the process to healing and recovery, we must remember that even though we feel hurt, we have the power to move forward. No matter how long it takes, you will get out of that hell, I promise.

The more I know myself, the more I accept my own emotions and the more I am aware of this present moment, the more I feel that I am among the living.

Another trait of borderline personality disorder is the constant change in emotion that we experience. I could go from happy to sad in the matter of a moment. It would only take one trigger that would get my anxious mind running in circles. I believed those negative thoughts as if every single one was real, I felt so out of control; I couldn’t help myself. They would haunt me, make me angry and I would get harsh towards the people I loved most because I did not know how else to deal with this display of emotions on my own. I never expected such happy days to end in so much pain. I’ve learned now that I must recognize these negative emotions that are there first and foremost, which is extremely hard to do. I’m slowly getting there. I am now able to catch my thoughts before they become action. I may still be impulsive deep-down in my core but I am able to distinguish right action from wrong action much more easily.

Now, the part that I usually would omit, I feel that it is needed to express the darkness I was once in. Well, I never actually wanted to put an end to my life, despite wishing for death every day and having suicidal thoughts. I did cut my wrists before and even put a knife against my throat. I never had the courage to go through with it fully, thankfully. There was still a part of me that believed life would get better but those moments when I felt deep sadness seemed to me as if the world was ending. I’m actually feeling an insane amount of relief right now while talking about this because I am no longer in this dark place. I may have my crazy moments to this day but I have to say, the occurrences have been reduced. The more I know myself, the more I accept my own emotions and the more I am aware of this present moment, the more I feel that I am among the living.

But, this night ended in happiness because I let myself cry and feel the sadness. I then let go of those thoughts because when I had cried enough, I realized that my fear of abandonment was unfounded.

Please don’t be afraid of expressing your emotions, they are part of you. You must let yourself feel to then conquer the negative that surrounds you. However, there are better ways to express our anger, if that’s one thing I’ve learned from this. Even so, you cannot be shut out from the world, let your voice be heard. It’s okay to have bad days. I had an emotional shift last night that inspired me to write this. It started out as a bad night where my anxious mind was running at full speed. But, this night ended in happiness because I let myself cry and feel the sadness that I had built up inside. I then let go of those thoughts because when I had cried enough, I realized that my fear of abandonment was unfounded. My logical side was not overtaken by my emotional mind this time. Everything felt balanced. It is so important to recognize your own emotions and to explore the reasons behind why this emotion was brought to surface. Experience gained from looking within will teach us to calm the emotional storms that we don’t always see coming from afar.

While, we can never have full control of our emotional states, we can find better ways to deal with these. In the end, this article doesn’t really include any tips on how you can accept your own emotions. It is mostly a lesson that no matter what emotions you are experiencing in this moment right now and no matter what life situation you are going through, there are better days ahead as long as you work every day towards improving yourself. Keep your belief in life strong and know that there’s a sunrise waiting for you across the this old worn-out bridge.

Have an amazing day.

Daily quote:

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

Advertisements

Why being yourself will bring you happiness

Life was actually starting to become harmonious. I even got lucky a couple of times. Can you believe that? It seemed like a gray cloud had been lifted and I could at last see how beautiful the blue sky was up there.


My friend, who suffers from major depression, asked me the other day how I went from being a basement dweller to an independent and happy person. Yes, she actually used the term basement dweller but we joke around all the time about pretty much everything. So, no hard feelings. Anyways, she expressed how happy she was for me that I had moved out of my parents’ place and had grown as a person. I didn’t really know what to say other than “thank you”, but she was right, you know? I didn’t realize the amount of change I could make in my life in such a short span of time. She opened my eyes to it and I realized that I had been progressing forward for a while. It felt stagnant for some time but the changes within me were undeniable. I was crawling out of the hole called depression.

I no longer let depression take control of my life, just as I no longer let others take the important decisions in my life. Life was actually starting to become harmonious. I even got lucky a couple of times. Can you believe that? It seemed like a gray cloud had been lifted and I could at last see how beautiful the blue sky was up there.

I let myself be free of life and people’s restrictions. I did it my way for once. I let myself be who I had been hiding all of this time. Sentences I was too scared to speak, I was now letting out. People that I appreciated, I let them know. It was evident that I was no longer scared of the world around me.

Following this, I asked myself what could have been the biggest change factor to contribute to my happiness in this journey? I had a light bulb moment and I knew it right as I thought about it. Being myself. It was the moment I allowed myself to be free. I let myself be free of life and people’s restrictions. I did it my way for once. I let myself be who I had been hiding all this time. Sentences I was too scared to speak, I was now letting out. People that I appreciated, I let them know. It was evident that I was no longer scared of the world around me.

I now knew what I loved, what I didn’t love, what I wanted to do and what I could do. Now, this wasn’t a miracle moment type-of-thing. It was a process. A pretty damn long process! I had to make all the mistakes that I have made, I had to take all of these seemingly endless steps in order to move forward. It may have felt stagnant but I had been moving all along. That was a great realization. So, it may be a slow process at first but it is worth the patience and perseverance.

Being yourself, as simple as that phrase sounds, it’s not an easy one to execute. To be genuine in life and to be who you truly are, you first have to take the time to get to know the person behind the mirror. Others can fall for the act but you, yourself, you very well know when you are taking an action that is opposite to what your gut is telling you.

So, make the most of it and discover, explore the unknown and forget that fear even exists. Be an explorer of the universe.

Sure, I made a couple of friends when I focused solely on pleasing these new acquaintances. I was acting like I was someone else in order to get their approval. And, I would get their approval. Yay? What that means however is that I throw away any sincerity about who I actually am as a person. I’m basically lying to myself. I become who they want me to be and I lose myself in that situation. Doing this lead me to become stuck in a depressive state as I would suppress my true emotions, my real thoughts and I took actions opposite to my desires. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should start expressing all of the negative thoughts you may have held in your mind about how much of a bitch Susan is. No, I don’t really know a Susan, but you get my point. There are better ways to treat a situation. We’ll talk about those in another chapter though!

To be yourself is honestly a hard phrase to depict. In a way, we’re all the same in human nature but every single one of us has something unique that makes us the person we are today. Part of it is finding what makes you unique. Find your talents, your aspirations, your personality and find the reasons behind why these make you who you are. It is a huge dose of introspection but mostly experience. While writing this, I do realize that being yourself is definitely easier said than done. If you work in a determined fashion to gather the experience that will help you find your purpose in life, you will see a fruitful future ahead of you and you will feel accomplished. I’m no fortune teller, for sure, but I can’t fathom how self-development would correlate with negative outcomes. Getting to know yourself will bring you the most amazing surprises in life, trust me on this one. After all, life is just a long ass roller coaster with a series of events that will eventually lead you towards the discovery of self. Might as well start discovering who you are today. So, make the most of it and discover, explore the unknown and forget that fear even exists. Be an explorer of the universe.

You can’t let others choose your life for you. Part of being yourself is making the all of the important decisions concerning you.

While I can’t really tell you how to be your particular self, I can give you advice on how to seek who you are. You may choose to take this advice or not to, it’s all up to YOU. A quiet state of mind is definitely the best way to head into exploration of oneself. One of the ideal ways to achieve a quiet and relaxed state of mind would be to practice yoga and meditation. They help to quiet the negative and loud voices that keep telling you that you can’t. With this quietness, you can now see the blue sky behind the gray clouds, even if this is a temporary relief for now. It will become your experience of the world around you after enough time spent focusing on the sky instead of the gray clouds. When depression’s shadow is lurking above you, you don’t immediately realize it and the shadow sneaks up on you over time until you finally notice it but at that point, it’s a long road back to the light. It requires tremendous patience on the path to happiness.

As I mentioned in my previous post as well, you have to be true to your desires, your wants and needs. You can’t let others choose your life for you. Part of being yourself is making the all of the important decisions concerning you.

Let yourself be as free as a bird and fly to the greatest heights with all the potential that you carry.

A big decision, on my end, has been the career side of things. It took me an extended amount of time to finally understand what I wanted to accomplish. One interesting read I’ve looked into this week was an article about a study that was done in which one third of people viewed their work as a job, the other third viewed it was a career and finally the last third viewed it as a calling. Those who viewed their work as a calling were the ones who were the happiest among the groups. Are we really surprised? To me, it’s an obvious correlation. When we love what we do, we are fulfilled in this area of life. It brings us happiness instead of the dread that being unfulfilled brings us.

The connection between knowing yourself and fulfillment as well as happiness is one that we don’t take notice of often. It may be a rather Utopian way of thinking but we should be feeling fulfilled in all areas of life. Sure, bad days happen and even bad weeks but those bad days won’t change the fact that you love your spouse, your occupation or your environment. If you’re happy with someone or somewhere, you would want to stay in that situation. While, if you’re unhappy, you would want to flee but may be afraid of the uncertainty of life. Part of knowing yourself is knowing the answer to the questions you are having in mind right now. Take time to collect your thoughts and turn them into action. You will be fulfilled when you know yourself fully enough to know what you desire.

Finally, I really do believe that we’re all beautiful in our own way, just like snowflakes. Even though they may have similar patterns, just as human nature does, they are still unique snowflakes with visible differences when you look closely at them. It’s comparable to when you get to know someone very well, you see what traits make this person unique. As cliché as all of this sounds, I believe that we all have our special place and purpose in this amazing universe. Don’t be afraid to seek yours. Let yourself be as free as a bird and fly to the greatest heights with all the potential that you carry.

Have a beautiful day 🙂

Quote for today:

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world  -Robin Williams